Financial worries a passion killer
Business Day | 19 December 2009
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Money-stretched Kiwis are feeling the stress in the bedroom, according to a barometric survey. Amanda Morrall looks for the financial Viagra.

'Not tonight, honey, there's no money." Headaches used to be the most common excuse for getting out of sex. Now dwindling bank account balances and lacklustre super funds appear to be the more likely cause of deflated libidos.

A first-of-a-kind stress index gauging the mood of the nation found that money worries took top spot for issues of concerns, outranking even the potential demise of the planet.

Perceptive, the research outfit behind the survey, reported that Generation Xers are among the most highly stressed-out, with 35 to 44-year-olds suffering most sexual hardship.

Across the board, the inability to save, spending power and retirement security weighed heaviest on the minds of Kiwis. Among men, 25 per cent said stress from money shortages was the main source of arguments.

Blame it on the recession but sex therapist Robyn Salisbury says financial strife can be a year-round concern for many couples and a potent passion killer.

"If we look at lack of sexual desire or someone's withdrawal from sex, money is frequently one of the issues," reveals Ms Salisbury, director of Sex Therapy New Zealand. She says it stands to reason that financial uncertainty and money shortages can sabotage one's sex life, particularly when there are dependants involved.

"There is a set amount of energy that any of us have in the day and if it all goes into worrying about how you're going to feed the kids, or those kinds of horrors, you're unlikely to feel like having sex."
Financial adviser Chris Wasley, of Christchurch, says he was surprised to hear monetary woes were exacting such a high price in the bedroom. But with 20 years of helping put right people's financial disasters, Mr Wasley confirms money can be a marriage wrecker.

He says financial advisers are often unwitting counsellors to couples with conflicting ideas and practices related to money. "Money causes a lot of problems in relationships and people often don't even know that it's money that is the source. Sometimes it is joint worries but a lot of the time we find that people don't realise they have different views on money."

Gender differences can play a role but they don't have to be destructive to one's relationship, says fund manager and financial agony aunt Janine Starks. Men, she says, tend to take more risks with money while women are generally more conservative. However, both can be equally sneaky, she adds. "Men will make big purchases without consultation. Women will remove tags from new clothes or cross out the price and forge their own 50 per cent sale price! It all adds up to the same thing – a preference to lie rather than consult, or justify, because your money values are different."